The first day of…

26 June 2014 02:41:10 PM

Yesterday was really the first day of the rest of my life.  I took my job back. I was happy and so was my husband. Him more so than me. Rather, I was happier that he was happy and not happy about staying. I felt like a disappointment. To my children, whom I promised to give more of my time. And to myself, my biggest critic.

I was so sad I cried the whole day. I cried silently at my desk and pretended that my allergies were irritating my nose. I cried in the ladies room at work and I cried at home to my husband and kids.

My daughter was disappointed that I won’t be spending more time at home. She said “Oh no, mommy I’m not happy” with an upside down smiley face. She is my rock. She is the most understanding little rock. Then she went on playing. Like nothing major happened in her world. A promise was broken to her but it came from her mom and she understood.

That made me more sad.

I was shattered. I felt like someone died. Maybe I died or a part of me did.

I dreaded coming to work today. It’s like I despise the place that made my life miserable the last two days. But I couldn’t really blame them. They all who were the happiest that I chose to stay. Even if just to lighten their workload, it made me feel good. Cos I was never miserable all the other days I spent here. I feel wanted and a part of something great when I’m here. This is a great place. The company is powerful and working here for the last 9 and a half years has made me feel secure.

I should have felt better about staying. But never before have I felt the urgent need to leave than now. This feeling has been making me miserable the last 2 days.

My friend bought me breakfast today. It was her last few cents before she would get paid tomorrow but she spent it on me. I feel good about it. And the food really improved my mood. I am grateful for friends like her. I am not someone who is a lovey-dovey friend. I don’t give hugs and phone them all day and I forget their birthdays and, and, and.

I can really function on my own for a little while. I like it. Yet I am grateful for the friends who love me regardless of this. I don’t like to feel smothered by friends and I don’t like to smother friends. I like friends who are like me. Who don’t smother, because the smothering friends find me an appalling friend and tell me I need to work on my friend-skills. I know that I suck as a friend but I’m ok with it and so are my friends. At least I think they are because they don’t say anything to me about it. The friends who think I suck are not really friends. They are acquaintances only but I try to make them feel like friends. I am grateful for them also. Those simple friendships fill a gap inside of me.

So I feel a bit better now. I told my husband this. He was feeling bad that I was feeling bad about staying. So bad that he wanted to do anything to make me feel better.

I did it for him. To stay. And I know he is right in his reasoning for me to stay. Financial security. My reasons for wanting to go are simple. It just feels right.

Feelings dictate a lot about my life and say a lot about who I am and what I am and how I interact with other humans. I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head. It is telling me that I don’t belong here that I need to be home with my kids. Maybe this is an innate knowing that I never want them to miss out on the motherly love I have to give. Or maybe it’s my feeling that I don’t want to be abandoned by my kids. I want to be a hands-on mother because I don’t want to lose my kids one day when they are grown up and have lives of their own. I want to be their person. The person that they call for anything and everything in their lives (big or small). Their role model, their idol, their best friend. Maybe I lack all these things in my life right now and maybe this is what’s motivating me to make this change: to quit my job and start my own business from home just so I can spend more time with them. They are all I have and I am all they have and I don’t ever want to lose touch with them.

The dead limb hanging somewhere on my body is slowly disintegrating and being dissolved into nothingness. Nothingness, a feeling that feels good to me.

Tomorrow will be the second day of the rest of my life and then the third and so on. And I will gradually start to feel better and stop feeling so teary. I will be counting the days until the day I can finally up and leave. So that I can live comfortably and tirelessly at home, earn a passive income, help with homework, play games and give hugs and tickles, give love and receive love and make love and be loved, wash dishes and do the laundry.

I will cry when this day arrives, all with a smile.

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