Confusion: How it Makes me a Better Person


Raise your hand if you feel confused. Confused about life and the daily tasks you just have to finish so you can feel like a decent human being. I know I have. Some days my confusion has me so bad that I don’t know what to do first. Whether to clean up or to cook or to study for my exam or read a book to my kids.

Life is more demanding, my schedule is filled with things to do, and I grow older as my mind is becoming a smaller place. I’m only able to handle the least amount of confusion. My confusion leaves me feeling overwhelmed and tired. I also get crabby with my husband and kids because I’m too confused to know what to do first.

My biggest confusion comes from perfectionism. I want to be perfect in everything I do, so I’d rather think about what I’m supposed to do and end up not doing it cos thinking about perfection feels better than doing something imperfectly. Dwelling on what to do next can keep my mind occupied for most of my day.

My inner monologue goes a little something like this:

Should I do the washing or should I load the dishwasher? I really wanted to have those perfect laundry baskets at the store and until I have them I won’t be able to do my washing perfectly. I hate not having all my resources in place in order to do a proper job!

When my mind takes me to the farthest end of the decision spectrum, I have to bring it back, by myself. I don’t always remember immediately that I’m dwelling on decisions, so it takes me a few minutes to realise that I’m deep in thought or in other words “daydreaming” about perfection.

Then when I eventually wake up from my daydream and realise I’ve been wasting time, I just pick a task and do it. I try not to think because thinking gives my thoughts too much control. (Does this even make sense? A story for another day, I suppose.)

So my confusion leads me to daydream. The fewer decisions I leave for later the better for me. And to make life easier for myself I have some pre-decided rules that I don’t break.

  • Dress code. For work: Black with anything. and anything with black. If I add in white or nude to my colours for the day then it was a good day for me mentally. Blouse, pant and shoe, only. If I’m wearing anything extra it’s probably my birthday! On weekends, I’m a jeans and sneaker girl. If I’m wearing ballet pumps or, lord have mercy on my size 7 feet, heels, on a weekend, you probably caught hubby and me out on our date night or we’re having a night on the town.
  • Google chrome. This is my achilles heel of confusion and indecision. I’m that girl with 20 million chrome tabs open at once. Absolutely everything I read piques my interest and then all I can do is “open link in new tab”. To stop myself, I only open my email and wordpress tab on my laptop, everything else that interests me, will have to wait for later when I will do a search on my cellphone. If I don’t do this I will spend all day reading articles on wikipedia. I have five tabs open right now, btw.
  • At the office. Where possible, I do everything immediately. I’d rather not talk about sending an email later or booking a meeting later or asking someone to remind me to do something later. If I can talk about it, I can do it in that same time. Ain’t no better time than the present. This technique keeps my nose clean and my mind empty from trivial decision making. It also keeps me on top of all my tasks and projects. If I need to remember anything from the minutes of a meeting to an item for my to-do list, I open up a new mail and type the info in there and send an email it to myself. That way I just read my emails to refresh my memory on projects and meetings.

These are some of the techniques I use every day to keep myself focused on my job and my life. For housework I try to outsource as much as I can to a housekeeper and at the odd times when she is unavailable I’m kinda off on a scurry, cleaning and tidying at a ruthless pace. Then after falling into bed, I realise all the other household tasks I missed because I was cleaning all day.

The day I master my housework confusion you will be the first to know. Until then, I’m a work in progress.



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